DO I CELEBRATE WHAT I HAVE?

I am a great believer in personal growth and development. It is healthy to assess your life and relationships on a regular basis. However, there is a danger that we can develop an attitude of continual discontentment because we have never spent time celebrating what we have achieved. I remember listening to a retired footballer. He had an exceptional career but bemoaned the fact that when he achieved, he never truly celebrated his success because he was always thinking about the next challenge. Your relationships will be greatly enriched, if you learn to celebrate progress. The following are some tips.

Create discussions not disciplinary meetings

If you are someone that summons your loved one to a meeting to talk about what you are concerned about, it is unlikely that long-term, those in relationship with you will gravitate towards such meetings.  I remember a husband saying to me, “When my wife says, she wants a meeting when I come home, I know it is to complain about something!” Be careful not to create a culture where others make an association between discussion and discipline. Learn to create discussions where the epicentre is praise and gratitude.

 Be aware of perfectionism

There is nothing wrong in trying to have the best relationship possible but we have to be mindful of the context we define it as being ‘best’ in. I have seen where couples have had to manage major life changes, parent children, run a home but not demonstrate growth in their communication. They may not have achieved quantifiable gains in their communication but their relationship is in the ‘best’ possible place, given the context. From a psychological perspective, perfectionism can be positive and negative. If you have an adaptive nature, then you will adjust your ideals to accommodate others and in many cases, inspire others to succeed. However, perfectionism can become maladaptive, constantly pressuring individuals to meet unrealistic standards.
 

This progress won't last

This is one of the most destructive ‘scripts’ to hold in a relationship because subconsciously, you are anticipating a  counter-reality  or demonstrating mistrust in someone’s actions. There are times, due to previous relational experiences, we mistrust genuine acts of kindness or attempts by someone to change their behaviour. Being cynical, is the idea that the motivation behind a person’s actions, are not genuine.

 Time to celebrate

In the famous Charles Dickens’ novel, Oliver, one of the most famous scenes, is of a young pauper asking the master, “please sir can I have some more?” We will inspire more growth in our relationships through celebration rather than criticism. We all want more but let us learn to celebrate what we already have!

 

DO YOU VALUE ME?


Value is one of key principles for relationships. What makes value so important, is that for value to be truly demonstrated, a person must believe it; they must have an intrinsic conviction.
Have ever asked someone you care about, "do you value me?" Is it possible for someone's value to change?

Don't become complacent
One of the things that initially causes attraction and builds transparency in relationships, is the value someone demonstrates. Value can be broadly defined as being the worth or importance that is attributed to someone or something. The quality time you spend with someone, the kind words you share in special ways, confirms to the recipient, your value of them. When this is in decline, individuals tend to demonstrate lethargy and as a consequence, the value they have of others is questioned. Has the degree of importance placed on your relationship, increased or decreased?

Intrinsic value
Whilst it is important to demonstrate the value you have of others, it is crucial for you to have a value of yourself. It is not healthy to rely totally on the value someone demonstrates to you in a relationship in order to feel confident, happy or fulfilled.

What do I value outside of myself?
We all have extrinsic values. We like to have quality time,we like to feel special, we like kind words and most people like presents. These values should be known by you if you are close to someone but remember, not all demonstrations of value are quantifiable. If someone you care about, rings you regularly to see how you are but doesn't buy you a present on your birthday, which action has truly demonstrated value?

Education
Education should be the process of learning. It is important for you to give time to those you love; time for them to discover value. Telling someone of your value is not the same as them discovering your value. When my son started University he said how much he now valued the principles his mum and I taught him whilst he was at home. There were times when he was unaware of the value to being on a cooking rota but in the process of time, he has discovered the value. Relationships become stronger because we mature and discover the true value of people and things.

Avoid abusers
Anyone that has zero value for you must be avoided. The decision to maintain or end a relationship, is often based around the premise of value. It is difficult to respect what you do not value. Unfortunately, some people deliberately devalue what they know has value.

Enjoy your relationships
It is possible to miss the minute details in our relationships and often these details contain the value. There is something you can see in others that is making your relationship strong. As the old Greek saying states, "beauty(value) is in the eye of the beholder!