Do you know your loved one’s
redeeming qualities?
If you haven’t discovered by now; the person you love is
not perfect but neither are you. Ultimately, we do not marry or commit to concepts,
we commit to people, with all their idiosyncrasies. However, upon closer
observation, there are incredible qualities that more than compensate for their
weaknesses and faults. Instead of trying to eradicate their anomalies, we can strengthen our relationships by
identifying their ‘redeeming qualities’. I hope the following is helpful in
your quest! First let us redefine a few words.
What are weaknesses? Generally speaking in relationships,
weaknesses are actions we engage in
through an emotional vulnerability. This vulnerability can be caused by
trauma, previous bad relationships or hindrances in our emotional development. People
with weaknesses often require support and therapy in order to overcome them.
What are faults? In the context of relationships, faults
are often character flaws that cause
us to fall short of who we know we can and should be as a person. Some faults
cause those around us to become irritable and us unattractive. Faults can be
addressed and rectified through humility, support and determination. The
reality is, we all have faults that need work on. However, most people in
relationships have to learn to manage
the impact of each other’s faults and one of the easiest ways is to
identify their redeeming qualities.
Redeeming qualities are those amazing displays of character, engaging personality traits in a
person, that empower people, cause people to smile, give people hope and
attract confidence from others. Redeeming qualities do not hide faults and
weaknesses but they surpass them in impact and value. The reason why you are
committed to someone, the reason why your relationships have remained
progressive, is because of these redeeming qualities. Disappointment happens
when expectations are not met but redeeming
qualities provides the recipient with the right perspective on the situation,
allowing them to respond in context. If you find yourself over-reacting to a
person’s weakness or fault; recall their redeeming qualities and look holistically at the person rather
than solely through the incident. However, what are some of the signs we can be
aware of, that would suggest we do not recognise and acknowledge someone’s
redeeming qualities?
“You always” and “You never” are phrases that often
reflect what we term in counselling as cognitive distortions. It is exaggerated
thinking. It may feel like ‘always’ but in practice it is not. It is rare that
someone each day in a relationship will always display a fault or always succumb
to a weakness. But you can give them the impression they do by your use of “always
and never”. I have spent many years studying the lives of famous people;
actors, actresses and sport personalities in particular. However, none of them
were without fault and what I found inspiring was that those closest to them
remained committed, allowing the redeeming
qualities of the person they loved to sustain them in the midst of their
weaknesses. I remember a famous tennis player who had an amazing serve but
a weakness in mobility around the tennis court. They still went on to become a
champion!
Every person has qualities. Take the time to recognise
these qualities and use the positive experiences of these qualities to
encourage yourself in times when the faults and weaknesses of others is a
challenge to you. Redeeming qualities have surely earned the person you love
some patience and understanding.
Till next time
Noel McLean
