DO I CELEBRATE WHAT I HAVE?

I am a great believer in personal growth and development. It is healthy to assess your life and relationships on a regular basis. However, there is a danger that we can develop an attitude of continual discontentment because we have never spent time celebrating what we have achieved. I remember listening to a retired footballer. He had an exceptional career but bemoaned the fact that when he achieved, he never truly celebrated his success because he was always thinking about the next challenge. Your relationships will be greatly enriched, if you learn to celebrate progress. The following are some tips.

Create discussions not disciplinary meetings

If you are someone that summons your loved one to a meeting to talk about what you are concerned about, it is unlikely that long-term, those in relationship with you will gravitate towards such meetings.  I remember a husband saying to me, “When my wife says, she wants a meeting when I come home, I know it is to complain about something!” Be careful not to create a culture where others make an association between discussion and discipline. Learn to create discussions where the epicentre is praise and gratitude.

 Be aware of perfectionism

There is nothing wrong in trying to have the best relationship possible but we have to be mindful of the context we define it as being ‘best’ in. I have seen where couples have had to manage major life changes, parent children, run a home but not demonstrate growth in their communication. They may not have achieved quantifiable gains in their communication but their relationship is in the ‘best’ possible place, given the context. From a psychological perspective, perfectionism can be positive and negative. If you have an adaptive nature, then you will adjust your ideals to accommodate others and in many cases, inspire others to succeed. However, perfectionism can become maladaptive, constantly pressuring individuals to meet unrealistic standards.
 

This progress won't last

This is one of the most destructive ‘scripts’ to hold in a relationship because subconsciously, you are anticipating a  counter-reality  or demonstrating mistrust in someone’s actions. There are times, due to previous relational experiences, we mistrust genuine acts of kindness or attempts by someone to change their behaviour. Being cynical, is the idea that the motivation behind a person’s actions, are not genuine.

 Time to celebrate

In the famous Charles Dickens’ novel, Oliver, one of the most famous scenes, is of a young pauper asking the master, “please sir can I have some more?” We will inspire more growth in our relationships through celebration rather than criticism. We all want more but let us learn to celebrate what we already have!

 

DO YOU VALUE ME?


Value is one of key principles for relationships. What makes value so important, is that for value to be truly demonstrated, a person must believe it; they must have an intrinsic conviction.
Have ever asked someone you care about, "do you value me?" Is it possible for someone's value to change?

Don't become complacent
One of the things that initially causes attraction and builds transparency in relationships, is the value someone demonstrates. Value can be broadly defined as being the worth or importance that is attributed to someone or something. The quality time you spend with someone, the kind words you share in special ways, confirms to the recipient, your value of them. When this is in decline, individuals tend to demonstrate lethargy and as a consequence, the value they have of others is questioned. Has the degree of importance placed on your relationship, increased or decreased?

Intrinsic value
Whilst it is important to demonstrate the value you have of others, it is crucial for you to have a value of yourself. It is not healthy to rely totally on the value someone demonstrates to you in a relationship in order to feel confident, happy or fulfilled.

What do I value outside of myself?
We all have extrinsic values. We like to have quality time,we like to feel special, we like kind words and most people like presents. These values should be known by you if you are close to someone but remember, not all demonstrations of value are quantifiable. If someone you care about, rings you regularly to see how you are but doesn't buy you a present on your birthday, which action has truly demonstrated value?

Education
Education should be the process of learning. It is important for you to give time to those you love; time for them to discover value. Telling someone of your value is not the same as them discovering your value. When my son started University he said how much he now valued the principles his mum and I taught him whilst he was at home. There were times when he was unaware of the value to being on a cooking rota but in the process of time, he has discovered the value. Relationships become stronger because we mature and discover the true value of people and things.

Avoid abusers
Anyone that has zero value for you must be avoided. The decision to maintain or end a relationship, is often based around the premise of value. It is difficult to respect what you do not value. Unfortunately, some people deliberately devalue what they know has value.

Enjoy your relationships
It is possible to miss the minute details in our relationships and often these details contain the value. There is something you can see in others that is making your relationship strong. As the old Greek saying states, "beauty(value) is in the eye of the beholder!

IS IT YOU OR IS IT ME?


"I love you and you love me." When you say these words, is it the case that you believe the person loves you because you have projected love towards them? "I hate my uncle and my uncle hates me." Have you assumed that you uncle hates you because it makes it easier for you to ignore the fact that you have hate in your heart for your uncle?

Even the best of relationships can reach a point of complexity. Many times this complexity is in the area of what we feel and  what we think we identify in others. When you are in a marriage, close friendship or family unit, it is important to own your own emotions and not the emotions of others. When we incorrectly identify an emotion or behaviour that is ours in others, this is classified as  'projection'.

Before the days of SMART TVs, I used to enjoy using a home projector. The key was to find a surface on which the image from the projector could be projected. The closer I was to the surface, the stronger the projected image was. The inverse was also true, the further I moved away from the surface, the weaker the image was projected. When someone you care about tells you that you are angry, frustrated or negative, have you considered whether they are projecting emotions that are their own? Remember, just like the projector, the closer you are to the source, the stronger the projection will be. So how can this issue be resolved?

Projections can be the source of many arguments because it normally employs what is termed as, psychological attributing. This is where a person attributes to others the reason why an event or issue takes place. Therefore, the first step to overcoming projection, is for all concerned to recognise that someone else cannot always be responsible for things that go wrong.

Secondly,be willing to be patient and listen to an accusation but don't affirm it when it is not true. The strongest relationships are built on honesty. Defaming your character in order to pacify someones feelings is not healthy. It is important to acknowledge a loved ones emotion but not to own it.

Thirdly, ask the person the question if they feel the same way about you when they are away from you. Often, if they are able to assess their behaviour over a period of time, they will recognise that the judgements and assumptions they have regarding you, are actually related to them.

In many cases, the act of projection is a form of emotional protection. Most people that I have counselled, do not project to others out of malice but out of an inability to address these feelings themselves. If you are the recipient of someones projection, talk to them in love, encouraging them to talk to someone who can be honest and objective. If you have identified that you are projecting your emotions to others, then seek the support of others that can provide you with the understanding and the professionalism you need to keep growing as a person and in your relationship.

Why doesn't the person I love believe what I say?

There are various forms of communication. Communication can be verbal (speaking, hearing) and non-verbal (written, visual). According to educationist Dales’ cone of experience (often referred to as the learning pyramid), people generally remember only 10% of what they read but 50% of what they see and hear. What does this mean for relationships?

This means that the most consistent form of communication within a relationship is based on what people 'see' you doing and what people 'hear' you say. I call these experiences the 'communication twins'. Problems normally arise in relationships from a lack of parity between what we communicate and what we actually do. Your communication is never divorced from the evidence your behaviour provides.The reality is, we have all fallen short in maintaining this parity but how can we change the opinion of someone we love, who has a history of us 'missing the mark?'

Unfortunately, there is no 'quick' fix in convincing someone that you have changed or that you now 'mean' what you say. In fact, it is not always the case that a person did not mean what they said or lied, at times they simply lack the discipline or wisdom to action what they meant. Psychologists tell us that as humans we learn by association and develop personal semantics. This means we can create positive or negative associations with words and people. However, the biggest tool to transformation is consistency. As humans, our foremost skills are learnt and developed by consistency and repetetition.  There are times whilst writing a teaching program, that I need to do a etmylogy on a word. I very rarely acess one source, I check if the history and meaning of the word is consistent in the various sources I have checked.Once the evidence is overwhelming, I am convinced of my findings.You will have to be consistent in your speaking and actions in order for your partner to break the negative associations they have with your communication and be open to you writing a new history in your relationship.