IS IT YOU OR IS IT ME?


"I love you and you love me." When you say these words, is it the case that you believe the person loves you because you have projected love towards them? "I hate my uncle and my uncle hates me." Have you assumed that you uncle hates you because it makes it easier for you to ignore the fact that you have hate in your heart for your uncle?

Even the best of relationships can reach a point of complexity. Many times this complexity is in the area of what we feel and  what we think we identify in others. When you are in a marriage, close friendship or family unit, it is important to own your own emotions and not the emotions of others. When we incorrectly identify an emotion or behaviour that is ours in others, this is classified as  'projection'.

Before the days of SMART TVs, I used to enjoy using a home projector. The key was to find a surface on which the image from the projector could be projected. The closer I was to the surface, the stronger the projected image was. The inverse was also true, the further I moved away from the surface, the weaker the image was projected. When someone you care about tells you that you are angry, frustrated or negative, have you considered whether they are projecting emotions that are their own? Remember, just like the projector, the closer you are to the source, the stronger the projection will be. So how can this issue be resolved?

Projections can be the source of many arguments because it normally employs what is termed as, psychological attributing. This is where a person attributes to others the reason why an event or issue takes place. Therefore, the first step to overcoming projection, is for all concerned to recognise that someone else cannot always be responsible for things that go wrong.

Secondly,be willing to be patient and listen to an accusation but don't affirm it when it is not true. The strongest relationships are built on honesty. Defaming your character in order to pacify someones feelings is not healthy. It is important to acknowledge a loved ones emotion but not to own it.

Thirdly, ask the person the question if they feel the same way about you when they are away from you. Often, if they are able to assess their behaviour over a period of time, they will recognise that the judgements and assumptions they have regarding you, are actually related to them.

In many cases, the act of projection is a form of emotional protection. Most people that I have counselled, do not project to others out of malice but out of an inability to address these feelings themselves. If you are the recipient of someones projection, talk to them in love, encouraging them to talk to someone who can be honest and objective. If you have identified that you are projecting your emotions to others, then seek the support of others that can provide you with the understanding and the professionalism you need to keep growing as a person and in your relationship.

Why doesn't the person I love believe what I say?

There are various forms of communication. Communication can be verbal (speaking, hearing) and non-verbal (written, visual). According to educationist Dales’ cone of experience (often referred to as the learning pyramid), people generally remember only 10% of what they read but 50% of what they see and hear. What does this mean for relationships?

This means that the most consistent form of communication within a relationship is based on what people 'see' you doing and what people 'hear' you say. I call these experiences the 'communication twins'. Problems normally arise in relationships from a lack of parity between what we communicate and what we actually do. Your communication is never divorced from the evidence your behaviour provides.The reality is, we have all fallen short in maintaining this parity but how can we change the opinion of someone we love, who has a history of us 'missing the mark?'

Unfortunately, there is no 'quick' fix in convincing someone that you have changed or that you now 'mean' what you say. In fact, it is not always the case that a person did not mean what they said or lied, at times they simply lack the discipline or wisdom to action what they meant. Psychologists tell us that as humans we learn by association and develop personal semantics. This means we can create positive or negative associations with words and people. However, the biggest tool to transformation is consistency. As humans, our foremost skills are learnt and developed by consistency and repetetition.  There are times whilst writing a teaching program, that I need to do a etmylogy on a word. I very rarely acess one source, I check if the history and meaning of the word is consistent in the various sources I have checked.Once the evidence is overwhelming, I am convinced of my findings.You will have to be consistent in your speaking and actions in order for your partner to break the negative associations they have with your communication and be open to you writing a new history in your relationship.