Monday 4 April 2016

IDENTITY CRISIS?

When we enter into relationships, we enter into a process of adaptation. We adjust to the people we are in relationship with and begin to adopt the 'we' concept rather than the 'me' concept. However, one of the dangers of adjustment and compliance in relationships, is the loss of personal identity. It is one of the core reasons why some relationships go through turbulence after an apparent time of joy and fellowship. But what is an identity crisis?

In broad terms, an identity crisis is a experience that can happen at any stage of a person's life, where they experience varying emotions of frustration and concern, having not discovered, settled on or embraced who they are in a particular stage of life. For example, when a woman gets married and has children, she has embraced multiple identities. She is a woman, a wife and a mother. However, there must be a core identity that goes beyond a role and links to our heart and personality. When an individual submerses themselves into a role, they must not lose who they are as a person. The word submerse is related to the word submarine. Once a submarine enters the sea, it is hidden for the majority of its activity. What is hiding your identity? What do you like? What are your personal interests? What would you like to do for your personal development? These are pertinent questions. The following are some tips on how to maintain personal identity whilst maintaining good relationships.

Biological
Whether you are teenager or a senior citizen, you will experience biological changes. These changes can trigger off a sense of crisis. It is important that you share with those closest to you how you are feeling and conversely, it is crucial that those around you are sensitive and supportive. During this time, you may be indecisive and overly reflective but with the assurance of loved ones, you will find yourself again, coming to terms with the functioning and appearance of your body.

Social changes
Every human being has a reference point that helps them to identify with them self. However, when there is a major social change; a close friend immigrating, a child leaving home to go University or a spouse separating from you, it can trigger an identity crisis. In these circumstances, it is important to find the space to process your deepest emotions. Remember, emotions do not always tell us the truth but often, they give us a sense of perspective and feeling.  Our feelings are often linked to the perspective we hold.With support, your perspective on social changes can be one where you are able to extrapolate the positives from a challenging situation and let go of the negatives.

Committed but not consumed
Commitment to those we love is a fundamental relational quality but when you become consumed in serving others, there is a danger that you lose your identity. The best way to serve others is to be who you are. Learn to deny yourself but not neglect yourself. Unfortunately, the longer you neglect who you are, the more likely it is, that will have an identity crisis. If this is you; ask yourself, "Am I suppressing something deeper, by consuming myself in a role?" It is possible for us to reject an identity that has previously caused disruption to others but was great for ourselves.

Don't become bitter, get better
I remember counselling a mother who had faithfully parented four beautiful children over a ten year period, during which time, her husband maintained full-time employment. After ten years of mothering, she had become bitter; feeling that she had been robbed of her youth. She didn't know who she was, now her children were at nursery or school. Bitterness, is not only a state of the heart but it is also the template for cognitive distortions; irrational and deceptive thinking. I am always impressed by University students who take a job that is unrelated to their subject specialism, in order to generate income. They maintain a clear sense of who they are and what they want to achieve, even if they are packing shelves in a Supermarket or serving coffee in a Shop. What we may need to do for a season must not rob us of what we desire to do with our lives.

Take time to look within yourself and become familiar with your identity. In psychology, the term 'identity defused' is used to describe someone who lacks motivation to find out who they are and the motivation to commit to who they think they are. However, there is hope. Often, the biggest motivation for action is the experience of peace. Therefore, if you value inner peace, take the time to discover your identity again.

Noel McLean

1 comment:

  1. Really liberating & affirming piece. Really highlighted for me our individual significance & value. Reminded me of how fulfilling life is meant to be.
    Thank you.
    Kimba

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